2022 Reflection

I write about the year that's past, and how I've changed as an individual.

Hey, how are you? It’s been awhile since I last wrote, and I feel like it’s a good time to reflect on the year that’s passed, as I do as a tradition at this point. I’m currently in Tahoe, feet kicked up on the couch and hands to my laptop, writing away. Wherever you are, thank you for taking the time to read this, it means the world to me. Anyways, here goes, a reflection of 2022.

This year has been one of immense personal growth in multiple facets. What I can say I have gained the most this year is an understanding of intentional time and discipline towards goals, whether they be personal or of a collective. Let’s start with how I previously viewed poker to how I see it now.

I’ve always seen poker as a video game for the longest time, with money being used to represent score. Play the highest stakes, increase the score, have freedom. That’s how it was, but not how it has to be. Seeing poker rather than just as a game, but a career changes the parameters of the “game.” Looking at it from not just a game player perspective but as a business perspective allows for some extreme mental shifts and being more intentional with actions and time. In order to get to this place, I had to understand what was important to me, and how to act upon it appropriately. I’ve always seen poker as something I needed to spend all of my time, energy, and focus on. This led to an escape from reality and fully diving into 16 hour days with minimal movement and poor life choices. This year was the start of understanding asymmetrical balance, and realizing I wasn’t going to be able to operate on all cylinders in multiple aspects, but some priorities were more important than others, and allowing for this to be the case. Poker wasn’t my entire life anymore, in the best way possible.

Finally having an introductory view of my priorities allowed for taking the first step in my personal and career growth. I’ve undoubtedly had a few priorities that took precedence over poker this year. If I were to list them in order, fitness and aesthetics was the main focus. Secondly, growing Solve For Why and the Only Friends Podcast (OFP) being next. With the understanding that poker took a step back in my life as a default, I played significantly less volume this year in online cash, my former area of expertise. I still put in hours into poker in the form of online MTTs and study, but much less than I have in prior years; and that’s okay. As long as I have the understanding and intentions behind my actions. I was consciously aware that I placed my fitness above all else. I wanted to look different, be different, and take the actions according to how I wanted to become. Life isn’t about finding yourself, but creating yourself. I was ready to start creating. 

When I was in middle and high school, I had a gym in my garage. My dad used to tell me constantly that lifting some weights and getting used to the lifestyle would be a long term benefit for me. I didn’t listen as much as I could have. During these days, I’d have some motivation from time to time, but no discipline. Some weeks I’d be on the treadmill running for thirty minutes after getting home from school and dropping weight. Other weeks I stopped caring. There was never a north star, a reason for it all, or a long term view of what I really wanted. I’ve always been either a skeleton or overweight. Looking back, it makes so much sense why that was the case. I was goal oriented rather than process oriented. “I want to lose x pounds,” so I did. Then, when depressive stages hit of not having anything I cared about, I didn’t feel like I had a purpose or reason at all… And then I found poker in college. 

Fast forward through the depression and self-loathing, moving to Vegas, and living with Matt (Berkey, but I hate nicknames so he’s always Matt to me) for a year or so. He was always pushing me to go to a trainer and start lifting. After enough coercing, I listened. It was one of the best decisions I ever made, and I can’t thank Matt enough for not giving up on me. I started to fall in love with the process of self improvement. My confidence in myself up until this point was relatively nonexistent internally, with poker being the focal point externally. With me being who I am, it was easy to see that’s where I found my sense of self. He helped me understand (with numerous screaming matches and nihilistic conclusions) that there’s more to life than poker, and that growth in all aspects of life is much more important. 

With me being myself, I didn’t have the understanding that I’ve been stunted in so many aspects of life that I deemed unimportant due to a heavy prioritization of poker from a game playing perspective. Thanks to Matt’s mentorship and guidance, I took some time to think about what was important to me and how I was going to spend my time; the pillars being aesthetics, career responsibilities (in both my ambassadorship for Ignition and coaching responsibilities in Solve For Why), and poker mastery. With these being my main pillars of priority, I started to take intentional action. 

First, with aesthetics and health, I asked myself, “How different would I look if I took a full year and dedicated myself to nothing but fitness and nutrition?” On January 1st, I weighed 230lbs. I have and have always fluctuated with my weight. I’ve lost tens of thousands of dollars on weight loss bets to no avail. The issue was I didn’t make a promise to myself. Once I made a personal vow to take fitness seriously, I became obsessed. I became my own science experiment.

I wouldn’t eat carbs or sugar for the first 10 months of the year due to lack of education, and wanted to become as “shredded as possible.” I took a picture every month to try to see the changes that you can’t see when you’re living in your own body, but other people noticed. I’d be lying if I said that it wasn’t an addicting feeling to get “you look different,” statements every couple months that I was cutting. At my lowest this year, I cut down all the way to 183 lbs. Being 6’4, I became a skeleton again; however, this time it was different. Now, I’m at a point in my fitness stage where I’m trying to pack on weight. My relationship with food and lifting is so different. My fitness and goals are a part of me, who I am, and one of the pillars of my own self confidence and validation. I feel good about what I see in the mirror for the first time in my life, and feel even better knowing that it’s only just the beginning of the science experiment. I’m proud of myself, my achievements, and the process moving forward.

Next, looking at my perspectives with Solve For Why and the OFP, I understand that I’m making the conscious choice to sacrifice time playing poker itself to be a part of an industry project that’s currently exceeded our wildest expectations. What started as an idea has become an industry staple, where everywhere we go we get compliments and acknowledgement about how much people love listening to the podcast every Monday to Friday. Poker as a game is zero sum, but content creation doesn’t have to be that way. I love being a part of something that gives value back to the community, as well as having a public platform. While I’ve made and will continue to make errors in these spaces, having the support system around me to allow me to be myself is invaluable. I’ve gained an understanding about the responsibility of what having a public platform is, and how to take actions that I feel good about. We’ve gotten opportunities that I don’t think anyone involved could have expected in such a short time. It hasn’t been smooth sailing at all, with a ton of internal discussions of “is what we’re doing even worth it?” The answer to this question being, “Absolutely.” 

When one of us gets stopped with a quick, “Hey, I love the podcast! I listen to it going to and from work every day,” or a sentiment of that nature, it reminds us that our project has value in a positive way. I’m grateful that I get to be able to participate in a project that reaches a majority of the poker community in such an impactful way, and it’s only just begun.

Finally, let’s look at poker for me this year. I had a great January with a ton of 5 figure scores, and then I’ve gotten absolutely smashed since. I won small during the series due to swaps and action in friends, which seems to be the main theme of this year for me. Friendship. Where I’ve failed, people I can truly call my friends have been there for me. Not only for support emotionally, but also financially through swaps and piece-buying. I couldn’t be more thankful for the relationships and connections I’ve made in the space that challenge me to become the best version of myself in all facets, in addition to supporting me in my choice to put poker on the back burner while I focus on my own growth and self improvement. I’ve been extremely fortunate to stand on the backs of giants in the industry to help me become who I am today. I couldn’t be where I am on my own, and I have the most immense gratitude for the people I’m fortunate to call my friends. 

All in all, 2022 has been a wonderful year. I put myself and my priorities first, created soft structures to be able to follow them, and put one foot in front of the other. One day at a time, the changes over the long term are incomprehensible. I’m a firm believer that the highest ROI investments are ones you make for yourself. I also realize that I’m fortunate enough to have the freedom and privilege to take this year for myself to maximize other parts of life because of financial security. This includes fitness and nutrition, as well as having the systems and relationships in place to be able to pick up where I’ve left off in a poker sense. It’s a real blessing and I’m forever thankful for the relationships that have been cultivated as a byproduct. 

Additionally, I’ve also made connections outside of the poker world that I couldn’t have ever imagined. There’s some people that you meet that you’re thankful that you get to experience life with them. Hold on to those connections, and don’t let them go for anything. It’s rare to meet people who have different ambitions and schedules, but have their own drives and motivations and still make time to have a phone call every so often to catch up. 

All in all, the life I live now has been a full 180 from what it used to be. From the middle school kid who was insecure, bullied, and unsure of how life was going to shape out, to the high school recluse who played video games all day and didn’t leave his room. I found my tribe, and the self confidence to be my own best friend, amongst all else. I wouldn’t change anything for the world. Onwards and upwards, and I’ll see you again in 2023.