Post #11: May Reflection - The "Jack of All Trades" Approach
I talk about what I've learned this month about myself from trying to stream, coach, play poker myself, and revisit the way I form relationships within poker.
While I don’t intend to make this post a “personal roast” of sorts, that’s probably how it’s going to turn out. I wouldn’t be okay with posting, otherwise. l think this is one of the more important posts I’ll reflect on in the future, and laugh at how I saw my goals and intentions from the lens of a 21 year old who’s crazy enough to think he can do anything he sets his mind to. However, “anything” and “everything” are two different worlds (and words).
May, for all intents and purposes, has been the best month of my career up to this point, in all facets. Results wise, I smashed my April, which was previously holding the title of “best month ever,” and things seem to be falling into place. Playing has been a great joy, as it always is, and I’ve played my 60-75k hands I normally do every month.
From a personal growth standpoint (this post), I learned about myself and how I viewed poker, friendship, and things of that nature. Of course I didn’t just “learn” these things alone, but from friends and mentors who’ve helped try to keep me on track (as much as they possibly can) up to this point. This is going to be three parts: coaching/streaming, playing, and friendships (all within poker).
At the beginning of the month after coming off of what was the best month I’ve ever had in poker, I thought it would be a good idea to start thinking about doing coaching/streaming. I know at some point in my career, I do want to do coaching and “give back” to an extent, however, I thought that the time was then, when it was not. I thought I had the ability to focus on poker, coach, and stream all at once, with 100% of my energy devoted to each. Additionally, when I did start publicly stating I was going to do coaching work I got a vast amount of attention in a short amount of time. Multiple, multiple people reached out to me and asked for pricing, and details of setting up coaching work. I felt a couple of emotions, all leading around joy and anxiousness. Joy because I apparently have a desired skill set that generates the attention of people who are interested in learning it, and anxiousness due to the fact of me thinking to myself, “Am I really ready to be doing this so early?” I wanted to keep the attention, while still knowing that I wasn’t ready for the public platform of a coach/streamer. Not in the slightest.
I think there was no other way to realize the faults in my logic besides through experience. I didn’t “have” to try my hand at all of these different facets of the “poker-sphere,” but I think the only way I can conclusively say, “I can’t do this all at once,” was to see for myself that I can’t. While coaching is fun when I want to partake in doing it, I find myself being drawn back to trying to get to the highest stakes and being a “HSNL Player.” While I’ve been told how good of a coach I am at this game, it’s a skill set I have, it’s not “who I am.” At least not yet.
As for streaming, I still am going to be doing so when I feel like I want to. I burned myself out pretty quickly after streaming about 50 hours in the first week. I loved interacting with the chat as well as receiving the viewers I was getting. I felt obligated to keep streaming because of the amount of people watching and I thought to myself, “You’re not even tired, just keep streaming, there’s 100+ people in the chat, just stream.” It all comes back to the point of, “It’s a lot right now, for me, and I didn’t realize how much it all was at once.”
On the playing aspect of poker, I’ve been a bit shorter on my hours, mostly from coaching/streaming/studying, but I’m happy with the overall volume I am putting in. I’m still trying to get over the mentality of “by not playing, I am choosing to actively lose money, because I have a win rate.” I’m not thinking this when I’m tired and can’t play optimally, but when I want to “relax” and do something other than play more poker. This isn’t to say I’m addicted to the game, either. When I spend time with family or friends away from the game, I don’t fiend to get back to my monitor to play more poker. I just realize the opportunity cost of not playing is me actively declining EV.
Additionally, I’ve sacked some hours to do this whole coaching/streaming endeavor, and I’ve realized after my short experience (and potential capriciousness) that it’s not something I’m really read to fully dive into, because it detracts from the overall goal of getting to HSNL. If you enjoy the streams, I will still do them sometimes throughout the month, but when I want to, nothing regulated or scheduled.
That’s a reason why I love poker in the first place. I’m “free.” Free to decide how to spend my day, without any scheduling. I hate needing to block my time off, even if it’s only for an hour. I’m extremely selfish when it comes to my time, and being “forced” to do something is one of the things I hate the most. I want to spend my time on my terms, and poker allows me to do just that.
Lastly, but definitely most importantly, I’ve realized a fundamental flaw I had in creating relationships surrounding the people I’ve met and will continue to meet in poker. I’ve communicated with so many amazing people, but it was always from a place of value, rather than friendship. I would find a way to be valuable, and in return ask for value back. The biggest conversation I’ve had up to this point was surrounded by one sentence. “I like you, but I don’t like talking to your ego.” I knew the way I was approaching relationships was definitely self serving, but I didn’t care. I didn’t care until I saw of much it hurt my friend. Then I realized how selfish it was. I don’t want to approach friendships and future relationships from a “value standpoint” without wanting to know who they are as a friend first. It’s different in a business standpoint, sure, but with my friends, I don’t want to keep sending them to the “Island of Misfit Toys” after I siphon all of the value I can get from them, and then move on. It’s not who I am as a person, or who I want to be.
Poker's not and will never be as important as I think it is. I've been pretty insensitive to a lot of people I've talked to while improving in this game. I'm truly sorry for that. I'll be a better friend from now on, and I have a lot of holes to patch up because of it. I’ve put a great deal of my self-worth into my ability in poker, and it’s got me to this point this quickly. However, it’s not worth anything if I succeed in my path and leave 99% of my friends on the wayside.
I thought I had the ability to do everything I wanted all at once. I realize now that I can’t. A jack of all trades is a master of none.
It’s too much for me to devote all of my energy into three different things, and I’m going to be much more focused on myself and getting to HSNL in this near future; while trying to create friendships/relationships in poker, coming from knowing who they are as a person, rather than their utility to me in helping me succeed in my own goals.
Onward and Upward.
May, 2020