Post #12: Shot-Taking
While there is a difference between being backed or having 100% of myself, shot-taking is still a critical part in my development of succeeding in poker.
There will never be a time when I am “100% ready,” for a shot-take. That’s the important part for me to understand while my mind races about whether or not I’m going to succeed in my latest and greatest endeavor. I still think to myself, “After I do ‘x,’ or wait ‘x’ time, I will then be ready for this shot-take.” I’ve recently got off of stake, and have had all of my own action… for the past three days. It’s a new feeling and opportunity for me. Ever since I started playing poker professionally, a year and a half ago, I’ve been on stake. Even from when I was playing in the micros.
A good friend of mine and my first coach, would tell me back during those days (and even now, of course), “Yeah you’re playing 500nl, but there’s a difference that you don’t see yet playing on stake, versus playing on your own roll.”
I initially hit him with the response of, “Yeah, you’re probably right, but my decisions won’t change.” Even in this small sample, I realize how wrong that statement was. Personally, I feel that there’s an additional sense of attachment that comes with “backing myself.”
There is no “make-up,” when I have a losing session and I’m under the initial balance of the stake. I just lose. That’s okay, of course. I’m completely understanding that I am going to have losing sessions, many, many, many times in my poker career, but it just feels different. At least at the start. How it feels today.
So imagine me now, going to shot-take 1knl for the first time. It’s going to be the first time I play this high in an online environment, off stake, with 100% of myself. I’m rolled for a shot-take, and if it doesn’t succeed, that’s okay. The problem is how I feel now writing these words, thinking that it is going to fail. Not that I’m not excited and a bit anxious to challenge myself and step out of my comfort zone, but that I’m mentally preparing to try to console myself in a false reality. It’s almost like I think, “You’re going to fail, and you’re preparing yourself to have to move back to 500 and grind back these 5 buyins (~$5k) at 500 before you can try again.”
I haven’t even played a hand yet, and I already see the account with potentially having -$5k in it. I already see myself having this internal conversation on how failed shot-takes happen all the time, and it’s just a step in my journey to getting to where I want to be. I’ve wiped away the fact that I could win and actually be winning in these games, but because of the short-term “importance” of the shot-take, things need to go my way, because I want them to. I can’t control what I can’t control. I can control my actions, decision points, and how I see the spots I’m playing. This isn’t to say I don’t see myself winning, but that it’s nerve-wracking, and I’m going to have to do it eventually. I’d be prolonging my development by, “waiting for a safer time” thinking that I won’t feel this same way. This feeling will not dissipate until I step into the arena.
If you know me at all, you’ll probably know I’m one of the most impatient people in the world when it comes to poker. I want to scale the stakes so fast and be able to do everything I want to do, all as fast as I can. I feel like if I slow up, I might be taking a mental approach that I’m “quitting” and giving up. I’ve played and studied poker for countless hours up to this point, so I see that if I put my foot on the brakes, I’m having some sort of problem. Either way, that’s an entirely different post (for another time).
Additionally, having an expectation of a successful/unsuccessful shot-take is from a place of entitlement, in both ways. If successful or not, if I feel like I “deserve” to succeed or fail, that’s from an impure place. It would stem from one where I try to force a specific reality, because for whatever reason, that’s the one I think I deserve. I think I’m special enough to control an unforeseen path, and will try to actively sabotage myself to make it happen. The more I type it out, the more I realize how useless thinking the way I do in the paragraphs above.
For the moment, I just need to understand and internalize that my life won’t change whether this shot take succeeds or fails. It’s part of the process either way. I’m either good enough to have a win-rate in these games, or I’m not. Granted, 5bi is not enough to say one way or the other, but it’s more of getting a feel of the stake, and forming some initial reactions. I’m truly grateful for being able to succeed in an environment like this given the current state of the world, and I’m looking forward to getting to the tables, and giving it my best shot, literally.
Onward and Upwards.