Self Love

I talk about the beginning of intentionally having a healthier relationship with myself.

Hey, I’m back again. It’s 1:30am and I can’t sleep and I feel like I just have to write. I’ve been having some thoughts recently about self love. When it comes to this insert in the everlasting journal that is my consciousness, I’m just going to write what I feel, not what I think. If you know me well, you’ll know that this task is tough for me; acting on feelings. Anyways, here goes. . .

Self love is tough for me. I feel that when it comes to situations that make me uncomfortable to act off of emotion rather than logic, I still have this feeling of unworthiness. This in part leads to the lack of love I have for myself. I can’t pinpoint an exact moment in time where it began, but what I do know is how I’ve felt in past experiences that I’ve had in my life to get to this point. I know that I don’t have the belief that I’m worth the love or care of the people I care about when it comes to trying to have a non-platonic relationship. The feeling like I’m not enough frightens me. I don’t see this as a sad thing, but more so for how it is, with no underlying emotions attached. These feelings affect how I act (or don’t act) in a variety of settings when it comes to meeting new people where I lack the ability to act on feelings instead of thoughts. I’ve had an inherent desire to become the best version of myself possible in order to receive what we call love. 

Yes When it comes to the giving aspect in platonic ways, that’s safe for me. It’s comfortable. Being intimate with someone isn’t. It’s one of the scariest things I can think of. Being open, vulnerable, breaking the guise of perfection as I’m imperfect. Why, you may ask? Because I don’t love myself and I can feel that. I don’t know where to start with self love and the nuance around it, but what I do know is that I lack the feeling of self love. There’s a difference between loving myself and loving my process. I love my process and my path, I don’t love myself.  

(Logically, I understand it all. I did say that this wasn’t going to be a journal entry that doesn’t involve logic, so when you see a statement where I say, “I feel, I probably changed from a sentence that started from a place of, ‘I think.’” With that being said, this will be the last time I talk about logic, but wanted to throw this in there for context.) 

Emotionally I don’t have that self love yet. I just miss the mark. I’ve always felt that there’s a version of me that exists out there, yet to be finalized that I’ll be comfortable with. When I get to that point, I’ve held on to feeling that things will then change for me mentally. However, I know that’s not true. I experienced this same character development in poker originally. When I was playing micro stakes, I felt that my world was going to change when I reached high stakes. I would feel different about myself and be fulfilled in my journey. I would be “happy,” in whatever way that meant to me. With certainty, I can say that those feelings were fleeting. I put everything I had into poker. It gave me confidence in myself that I didn’t have prior. I spent countless hours alone in my room, depressed, escaping what you can call reality in order to focus on poker. Playing in millions of hands online, watching hours of podcasts, and immersing myself within the poker community.

When I got to 2knl and had a winrate online, I felt like I “made it.” I achieved my goal. I’ve been fortunate enough to play some of the biggest streamed games in some tough lineups. The WPT stream comes to mind for me. Playing 200/400 with people I looked up to (and still do) felt like a dream. It didn’t feel real. Being able to sell action and have backing from people that believed in me. This was how I received my validation in not just poker but in life. If I could sell action of myself in games to people I respected, I felt that I was wanted. I belonged. I’ve never felt that way before poker and the friends I have now. Definitely not in the same way in my life during my school days.

I had friends at school, but I didn’t have many “after school friends.” People would go to each other’s houses on weekends and I wasn’t invited where I wanted to be. If I was, it wasn’t for the right reasons. The friendships in those group settings were never equal. I know that these feelings still exist within me because of the thoughts and beliefs that I still hold on to today. The overarching feeling of not being enough in other’s eyes. Most importantly my own.

In adolescence, especially for me, I feel as if these words, thoughts, and beliefs that were placed on me by others have been transformative to the way that I see myself. Breaking these limiting beliefs isn’t easy. Maybe it never goes away, but in all honesty, I haven’t tried to make a change from a mental standpoint; at least not yet.

Physically sure, I’ve spent more time in the gym now than I ever have. It’s a vehicle to make the changes that I want to see in myself. To aesthetically become my best version in my own eyes. The eyes and opinions of others additionally have been a natural byproduct. I feel like I have a longing to be respected by the people I care about, and through the way I’ve been treated since making these physical changes, that internal hypothesis has proven so to be true. The other benefits of exercise have been incalculable, which has been the catalyst to a lifestyle that’s now stuck with me.

Mentally, I’ve yet to do this work. The work of absolving the mental problems and limiting beliefs that exist within. I want to change that. I feel that it’s a weight that persists no matter how much gym time is put in. I have a lot of questions that I hope to put in the time and effort to find answers to. I know that it’s not a simple fix as well, but I have to start somewhere. 

Anyways, that’s all for this one, and you’ll hear from me again soon.